After a brief fitful nights sleep I awoke in tears, sobbing into my pillow at the thought and reality of what has and is being done to my sister Anastasia, how they have broken her body, how they are torturing her and I am physically unable to do anything to prevent it. I cannot even hold and cradle her to comfort her; they are trying to deny her everything – love, the comfort of her family, physical comfort, good healthcare, joy, and her life.
I am both alternately numb and overcome with anguish my emotions taking on the motion of a demented and twisted pendulum like those in a Vincent Price movie.
As I stood in the shower not washing or scrubbing, my head against the tile wall water mixing with my tears hoping the noise of the shower and bathroom fan covered my sobbing and wailing, I did not even notice when the water turned cold. I move through my morning simply going through the motions not really seeing or consciously aware of the things around me tears still streaming down my face. I have no appetite, focus and motivation elude me, I have not been able to eat.
Since my sister is not allowed visitors in the hospital I will Anastasia to hear my voice “I love you Anna, I love you Anna-nana, I love you sissy, Yolanda loves you, be strong” as I once again break into sobs and can barely see what I am typing. It is going to be a very rough day.
(The picture is from her initial Inova hospitalization – a day after they claimed she was well enough to be to discharged)